Toilet Paper Wars, 2020

Toilet Paper Wars, 2020

By

Leo de Natale

 2020 will be remembered as The Year of the Plague.  A mutated virus originating in China in late December, early January swiftly spread across Planet Earth.  The conceit of mankind, thinking we are impervious to worldwide disease and mass deaths, was brought to its knees.

World economies crashed, stock markets plunged and mass hysteria became increasingly prominent.  Globally, people were dying, people were freaking out. This demoralizing event turned neighbor against neighbor.  It was the first apocalyptic event seen since the 1919 influenza pandemic.

Watching the panic unfold from within my “safe” home, I time- traveled back to 1953 when, as a young boy, I went with my friends and watched the classic film, War Of The Worlds.  The 50’s were an era of monster films: Creature From The Black Lagoon, Them, Invaders From Mars.  They all scared the bejesus out of me.  These movies gave me nightmares.   It was a time when you’d turn off your bedroom light and fearfully jump into bed.  One unwritten rule was you never slept with your hand hanging from the sheets.  You could be pulled underneath by the monsters lurking under the mattress.

War Of The Worlds was special. There were invading spaceships impervious to weapons including the atomic bomb. Wow, I thought, we’re in deep shit if the Bomb couldn’t protect us. The film was highly acclaimed. There were heroic scenes when the U.S. military vainly attempted to vanquish these alien demons. Familiar character actors I would see throughout the 50’s were packed in every scene. Many had obligatory mustaches and Brylcreemed hair – those were the greaseball days. There were creepy scenes where the protagonist, Professor Clayton Forrester, played by actor Gene Barry, and his assistant/paramour, actress Ann Robinson, are hiding in a demolished basement. A Martian probe is searching for them and a three-fingered alien actually touches actress Robinson. The plot moves along. I was filling my mouth with Pom Poms and Jujubes candy.

Which brings me to the bestial behavior observed during March, 2020.

Towards the movie’s end, Prof. Forrester has important information contained in  scientific instruments.  He’s trying to reach the research facility and is driving a truck.  In the background, the Martian spaceships are destroying large swaths of downtown Los Angeles – actually today’s Los Angeles landscape resembles the movie’s.  Suddenly, a crazed mob surrounds Forrester’s truck.  He stops the vehicle and is pulled from the truck and thrown to the pavement.  The mob grabs his precious instruments that are smashed against a building.  Bloodied and shell-shocked, Forrester yells “You fools!  You fools!”.  The truck lurches away.

Forward to 2020.  The mob isn’t interested in a truck carrying scientific instruments.  It’s toilet paper and paper towels.  It’s hand sanitizers and disinfecting wipes.  It’s bread and water. Fist fights erupt outside major supermarkets.  It’s the only time I can remember seeing storewide empty shelves.  People are stealing nine-pack paper towels from each other.  Pandemonium sweeps across the United States and Europe.  In England, British citizens fight over scones, France, baguettes, Germany, jaeger schnitzels, Poland, pierogis.  The insanity increases.  People fear to venture outside their homes.  Hospitals are overflowing with patients.  McDonald’s suspends operations.  No Big Macs.  Other restaurants follow suit.

Me?  I have a healthy respect for this Plague but history shows us the true Apocalypse is yet to come.  My faith in mankind’s ability to solve problems gives me hope.  The world has survived biblical plagues; Medieval Europe survived the Bubonic Plague; the 20^th Century survived the aforementioned 1919 Spanish Plague.  This current scourge will pass, too.

What we are experiencing in early 2020 is a reminder how evolution hasn’t rid us of our Neanderthal forbears. We’re one catastrophe away from the opening scene of 2001: Space Odyssey where the apes discover leg bones can be used to annihilate enemies. In 2020 the bones have been replaced with rolls of Charmin.

At the end of War of the Worlds, Gene Barry finds himself huddled with others inside a Catholic church. Hollywood being Hollywood, his assistant/paramour find each other, embrace and wait for the end. Obliteration is avoided because the alien Martians become infected with Earth’s bacteria and slowly die, one by one. There’s a message there.