A Modest proposal

A Modest Proposal

By

Leo de Natale

Albany, NY — Boisterous Gov. Andrew Cuomo, intrepid in his fight against the Covid-19 Plague, has just announced yet another ban. From May 4, 2020 forward, all males living in the state will be forced to eliminate facial hair – beards, mustaches, goatees and sideburns.

“According to the CDC (Center for Disease Control), facial hair among males can represent a serious threat to the general public,” Cuomo declared in his usual screaming, bellicose voice. “This form of male/macho expression represents a legitimate threat to the spreading of Covid.”

          Cuomo elaborated that facial hair of all shapes and styles are “petri dishes” filled with bacteria, lice and, yes, the dreaded virus.  He said the full beards, whether a Garibaldi, Pavarotti,  Gabby Hayes or Hell’s Angels style must be removed.  He also insisted beard styles known as the Zappa (after the late rock star) and the Col. Sanders goatee  will also be outlawed.  Mustaches, whether they be filmaker John Waters’ pencil or an actor Sam Elliot’s soup strainer, must also be removed.  Cuomo, expecting some blowback, also included Orthodox Jewish beards and sideburns known as “peyos”.  They  must be shorn.

          “I know I’m gonna get a lot of heat for this,” Cuomo said. “But it’s more important to eliminate any public health hazards.”

          There have been immediate protests and condemnations for what many bearded men called Cuomo’s Covid 19 pronouncement unilateral and biased.

          “He’s gonna be paid a ‘visit’ by many of our members,” decried  Mike “The Anvil” Brockton, president of the Greater New York Hell’s Angels. “Cuomo better watch out.  He’ll get one of our club tattoos, free of charge, and it won’t be pretty.”

          Legal experts question the constitutionality of what many critics says is an infringement on their physical appearance.  Many men prefer the bearded look.  Like the Hell’s Angels, the Amish and Mennonite religions require a hirsute appearance.  Growing a beard is a rite of passage, an Amish spokesman from Lancaster, PA said.

          Rabbi Hyman Goldberg of Brooklyn, is from Temple Mishkan  Shalom. He decried Cuomo’s decision.  “This is an anti-semitic act,” he boomed in front a crowd of cheering, bearded Orthodox Jews. “Our beards are a God-given right!”

          Some gentlemen from Harlem refused the swab test and stated this was merely a racist attack against black men, many of whom sport facial hair.  What Cuomo didn’t realize from this overreach, was the effect it has had on men across New York State.  Men of different races, religions and socioeconomic backgrounds have united in the protests at the Albany State House.

          Cuomo was justifying the decision based upon tests performed by New York’s regional (CDC) office in Manhattan.  According to the governor, CDC workers randomly stopped bearded men and requested a swab test.  The beards were of varying lengths from three day’s growth beards popular  among the city’s gay population to Grizzly Adams-type full length beards. The report showed a minute percentage of men’s beards tested positive for the virus but they also found mites and  dried beer and wine deposits.  A few men had remnants from various meals eaten prior to the swab test.

          “We’re here!  We’ve  got hair! We are manly men, Cuomo!” they repeatedly shouted at a state house protest.

          A curious aspect to this event was the disclosure that Cuomo and his family own considerable stock in Proctor and Gamble’s Gillette Shaving Division.  State Republicans are calling for a complete investigation into what appears to be a conflict of interest.  Cuomo, who was filmed shaving,  has declined comment.