Automobilus Asisninus

Automobilus  Asisninus

By

Leo de Natale

Illustrations by Vince Giovannucci

Anyone driving a car these days knows how perilous it has become. Every time motorists fasten their seat belts and enter such death zones as Rte. 128 or the Massachusetts Turnpike, there’s always potential for mayhem. All drivers face the possibility of horrific accidents.

Perhaps it’s always been this way but the peril seems to have intensified with the increased rudeness and stupidity of today’s drivers. Bad driving transcends age, gender or the number of years driving.

          Sociologists have teamed with taxonomists and developed a new, Latinized categorization of driver types.

For example, there the species Hominus tailgatenous . We all know them. They’re the idiots who cruise highways and secondary road and tailgate. Hominus t. has forgotten or never knew the rule of thumb regarding distance vs. driving speed – 55 mph means 55 feet between cars should be maintained. But, no, these bozos will be driving 70 mph and be within ten feet of your rear bumper. It’s worse in the passing lane. Cars will whiz by at 85-90 mph with tailgaiters pinned to each others’ tails. Have you ever noticed most catastrophic automobile accidents usually occur in the passing lane?

There’ll be two or three cars twisted in steel, glass and rubber pretzels.  Often bodies are laying in the roadway; ambulances wailing their sirens and whisking  victims to nearby hospital emergency rooms.  Traffic in the opposite lanes slows due to “curiosity factor”.  Drivers say to themselves, poor bastards, there for  the grace of God…….  Yet we never learn.

Then there’s Bmwensis serpentium. We’ve all seen these whack jobs. Members of this species feels they’re special. They usually drive the snotty prestige cars – BMWs, Audis, Mercedes, Porsches – traffic rules do not apply to these drivers. They’re once again traveling well above the speed limit. And they weave.

First they’ll be speeding in the aforementioned passing lane. Without signaling, they suddenly swerve and pass into adjacent lanes, then to the right traveling lane. Snakelike, they weave in and out with total disregard. Suddenly they’ll say, oh, shit, I’m in the wrong lane! They once again dart in front of motorists saying, fuck you untermenchen, this is my exit! These creatures are the entitled who have contempt for fellow travelers. It’s always a matter of time before these elitists create a deadly accident when they cut the weaving too close. Their motto is “I’m better than you plebes! Out of my goddamned way!”

Then there’s rapidly growing organism, Telephonus arseholiensis. They’re the scofflaw cell phone addicts who insist on illegally using their phones on highways and secondary roads. There are many telltale behaviors with this group. On speedways, their cars will drift to and fro within their lanes and they’re usually driving below the minimum speed limit. They often can be seen texting with the phone at 12 o’clock on the steering wheel. It’s a perverse case of multitasking. At traffic light stops their necks bend downwards as they gaze at a phone resting on their groins.

Still others are brazen and can be seen conversing with the phone in full view. They are usually smiling and laughing, totally unaware of their dangerous behavior. How many drivers exclaim, “Where’s a state cop when you need one?”. People continue to thumb their noses at society. Traffic laws be damned. It’s been recently reported that cell phone scofflaws create more accidents than drunks or potheads.

As an addendum, there’s a subcategory of T. arseholium. It’s called Pedestriamus craniorectuminversionensis. This pertains to pedestrians whose eyes are affixed while gazing at their cell phones. They walk along city sidewalks, necks bent, and are oblivious to all that surrounds them. Many times they’ll bump into each other at crosswalks. They’re most dangerous while crossing streets. They make a cursory scan of the roadways, cross and are often jostled by the blaring horn of a car that’s nearly killed them. There are also joggers – and bicyclists- gazing at their cell phones and diagonally crossing streets and eschewing crosswalks. Picture P. cranion encountering a T. arseholium; the perfect storm of hubris and stupidity.

One category has existed throughout automobile history. We’re talking about Automobilus methusalum. They’ve been around a long time. In the 1950’s they drove Plymouth sedans; in the 1960’s the Chevy IIs were popular. Each decade has a car model that defined this species. In the year 2021, the Honda Civic is this group’s favorite. They are usually wizened little old men and women who can barely see above the car’s steering wheel. They rarely drive on major highways. Rather, they creep along roadways at 20-25 mph and create logjams. Motorists behind them lean on the car horns, flail the arms in frustration and cuss a blue streak.

On single lane roads, many drivers will tempt fate and roar past these ladies and gents. They’ll scream at the duffers and make obscene hand jestures while passing. Everyone’s in a hurry except A. methesalehnealum. They’ve got all the time in the world. Or so they think. The worst thing for most Seniors is losing their driver’s license.

So there you have it. No matter where you live or what you do, bad drivers aren’t going away. The best advice is to drive defensively. It’s a jungle on the asphalt, folks, and you must drive with your head on the proverbial swivel. We must wait for the arrival of driverless automobiles. They will be coming to save us from ourselves.