Hey, Buy This!

Hey, Buy This!

By

Leo de Natale

Illustrations by Vince Giovannucci

Joseph “Jo Jo” Bjornson decided to apply for yet another credit card—he already had several: LL Bean, Orvis, Amazon Prime, Walmart, etc. He had joined membership to a regional discount store a la Costco. The big box store, “Buy This”, had comparable prices and wider parking spaces that didn’t shoe horn him between the neighboring cars and prevented the scratches and door dings for which Costco was infamous.

          Buy This had a modest membership fee and, as most shoppers knew, the lower prices quickly amortized the cost.   Jo Jo had been shopping there for about one year and decided  take advantage of the Master Card/Visa card that  was currently offered.  Like Amazon credit cards, the hook was the more you spent, the more credit points accrued that would  be credited towards his purchases.

Most Americans, Jo Jo included, have ambivalence towards the credit card industry. Many cards are free; others such as Buy This have an annual membership fee. Contained within the fine print of the literature accompanying the cards is the lurking topic of interest rates. Credit card companies are legalized loansharks.

Once you fail to pay the monthly balance, the vigorish accrues. There are countless stories of credit card holders who become bankrupt and owe hundreds of thousands of dollars to the companies. They don’t play nicey-nice. Images appear of swarthy, mustachioed, black-shirted enforcers bent on breaking a few legs. The whirlpool of debt spirals out of control. Most consumers, Jo Jo included, are aware of the dark underbelly of the credit card industry.

Jo Jo completed the boilerplate application and within two weeks a shiny new plastic card arrived in the mail. The usual protocol required the cardholder to call a toll free number that would activate the card.

The computerized nasal voice that’s identical among the credit industry would say “Welcome to credit card services. For English press one, por Espanol, numero dos. For card activation please enter the last four digits of your card and press four.”

After entering the information, a cheerful automated nasally voice would chirp, “Thank you, your card has been successfully activated. You now can enjoy the wonderful benefits of the Buy This card. Goodbye”.

That was the last “cheerful” encounter Jo Jo would experience.  The following week, he shopped at the store and, in the self checkout aisle, inserted the  card for payment.  A menacing voice from deep inside the cash register said “I’m sorry, this card is not recognized. Please try again.”

          Hmm, Jo Jo thought, this is odd.  After paying his bill with a different credit card, he approached the customer service desk and explained what had happened.

          “Sorry, sir, Buy This is not involved with the credit card company,” a woman with big jet black dyed hair said flatly. “You’ll have to call them directly.”

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

And so the adventure began. During the next three days, Jo Jo called the toll free number with the same results. Another robotic voice repeated the same message: “I’m sorry, we are experiencing technical difficulties and cannot answer your call. Consult our website for further details.” Of course, a trip to the website provided no information regarding when and if customer service would be operational. A week transpired. No change into the mysteriously disappearing credit card company. Something appears fishy here, he thought.

Pursuing a different take, Jo Jo called Buy This corporate headquarters and, as usual, was subjected to the shuffle. His call was transferred to four different departments. Finally, a humanoid answered and he wasn’t an American. Most companies are farming out customer service to foreign countries, such as the Phillipines and India.

“Look, I’ve been trying to contact your credit card company and something’s quite wrong,” he said to an associate “Bruce” – wink-wink-who unsurprisingly had a discernable foreign accent. “I can’t get through. What would happen if my card were lost or stolen? I think you’ve got a serious problem on your hands.”

“I’m sorry you’re having this problem, Mr. Jo Jo,” Bruce responded. “But this matter is handled by a different department. I can pass along your comments and maybe you’ll be contacted.”

“Maybe?,” I asked incredulously. “You have a potential problem that could affect millions of customers. My patience has grown thin with the bank who’s contracted to operate the credit card business. I want someone to contact me ASAP, Bruce.”

Jo Jo felt he was experiencing a Kafkaesque journey where the walls in buildings transmogrify into an amusement park fun house. Unfortunately there wasn’t anything amusing.

          Another three days transpired.  No word from Buy This.

Jo Jo decided a possible solution was to make things personal. He drove to the closest store and at the customer service desk asked for the manager.

Usually the image of a store manager is some middle-aged man with a pot belly, thick eyeglasses and a disappearing hairline that’s camouflaged with a predictable comb-over.  Or a woman with dyed hair, heavy makeup covering wrinkles and drug store reading glasses perched on the tip of her nose.

Jo Jo was surprised to meet Brian, pimply-faced young man in his late 20’s who was wearing a rumpled shirt and scuffed shoes. He was pleasant and had the face of someone who was eager to please.

          “Buy This has a problem with its credit cards,” Jo Jo said and explained at length the frustration he’d been experiencing.

“Gee, I’m sorry Mr. Bjornson,” Brian replied. “Unfortunately we’re well aware of this problem. You’re not the first customer who’s reported this issue.”

He explained the parent bank providing the credit card services was in a mess. The entire computer system was being changed and somehow there was a massive failure. The bank had apparently been blindsided by the catastrophic software implosion and was scrambling to resuscitate the system. Hence all those cryptic messages about delays in service. There was a suggestion that the company’s website and records had been hacked.

“Yeah, the kicker is the bank hid the entire catastrophe from corporate Buy This,” Brian confessed. “Needless to say the company is furious and will be switching to a new credit card company ASAP.”

“Well, I’ll tell you, Brian, it’s a moot point for me,” Jo Jo replied. “I’ll continue to shop here but there’s no way in hell I’d ever use the Buy This credit card, especially if the company’s been hacked.”

And with that, Jo Jo drove home and entered his office. He activated the paper shredder that also accepted credit cards. The switch was turned on and in went the Buy This card. A delightful crunching sound was heard. Ooooh, this feels good. I think maybe I’ll shred more of these goddamned cards, time to simplify, he said to himself.

Yess!