Die, Fly

Die, Fly

By

Leo de Natale

Illustrations by Vince Giovannucci

Curiously, the taxonomic nickname of the above insect is Psychodidae. We know it as the common drain fly, a nettlesome household pest that can drive humans crazy/psychotic. Ask Joel Pinter.

“Jamie, there’s more of them!”, he yelled to his wife as he exited the shower stall. “I just killed at least seven. This is grossing me out.”

          “I know, Joel,” she responded while entering the bedroom. “I counted at least six when I was showering this morning. Ugh, giving me the creeps.”

Suddenly and inexplicably these tiny pests had mysteriously appeared. Drain flies are smallish insects, somewhat larger than fruit flies. Drain flies fly into people’s homes and breed in the slime that collects in drain pipes. They begin laying eggs in this detritus.

They were flying around the Pinter’s master bathroom earlier in the year. Their life cycle is short. The larvae feed on bacteria, algae fungi and microscopic animals. It is difficult to eradicate infestation. The flies are relentless. As soon as Joel killed a bunch with a thump! from a towel, the flies would return in droves. Frustrated. the Pinters contacted their plumber, Dino Rizzuto.

“Yup, those are drain flies,” Dino responded after arriving at their home. “They can be a pain in the ass. I’ll Roto-Rooter the drains but I don’t how much that’ll help. They’re real sumbitches, pardon my French.”

          Dino, who didn’t speak the King’s English,  snaked both the shower and sink drains and discovered thick, black sludge attached to the metal cable.

          “This may do the trick but you might want to contact a pest control company,” he told the couple. “I seen a lot of these ones in this here neighborhood.”

Mr. and Mrs. Pinter lived in tony Glastonbury, Connecticut. Joel and Jamie were empty-nesters. They were in their early 70’s, their children created a diaspora, moving to points west and south. The kids continued to dote on their parents and routinely telephoned.

The Pinters led a sedate life.  They both occupied their time with volunteer work in their town and Joel, a semi-retired accountant, still had longtime clients. He was usually busy during tax season.

          The couple’s house was located in a development of upscale split-entrance ranch designed homes that were built in the early  1970’s.  They’d maintained their home by upgrading the kitchen with contemporary cabinets and stainless steel appliances.

Unbeknownst to them, they had made a prescient decision to construct a new, larger master bathroom. Like everyone else, Joel knew this renovation was a costly and lengthy process; two months of disruption and a hefty price tag- about $70,000.They had decided to take on this big, disruptive project.

The Pinters timing was actually impeccable. Earlier in that year, Joel noticed the bathroom was insidiously being invaded by the gnat-like flies that swarmed the bathroom and particularly the shower stall. They’d never heard the term drain fly. Unlike common house fly, these new invaders didn’t move around. They were small and merely landed on tiles and stayed there, and easy to kill with either a hand or towel. Joel detested these bugs.

Joe deduced these flies were stupid and their demise was quick and easy.  The problem was they’d appear in swarms.   Joel became adept at duplicating the old Brother Grimms fairy tale “The Valiant Little Tailor who cried “Seven at one stroke!” and duped a giant who thought he was referring to humans, not the flies in his shop.

Smack! Smack! Smack! Like the little tailor, he began squishing them with his hands. Hygiene be damned, he said to himself. The drain flies also reminded him of the old X-Files episode “Darkness Falls” where hordes of green-glowing flies invaded the Olympia National Forest and attacked foresters.

During the episode, viewers learned greedy lumber companies had felled trees hundreds of years old- a conservationist’s nightmare.- that disrupted the forest’s ecology. The nocturnal green flies were unleashed and inflicted death to various cast members. Mulder and Scully were screaming when the creatures invaded their cabin. Predictably, they survived the attack

 But this was no fairy tale or sci-fi show and the Pinters were becoming increasingly frustrated. 

As he expected, Dino the plumber’s efforts were fruitless. Joel contacted a local exterminator, “Rodents, Bugs,’N Stuff”. Bad name but the company enjoyed a good reputation in Greater Hartford. One week later Dwight the technician arrived on time. He was a 6’2” ham-fisted lummox wearing a clean company uniform and matching baseball cap. His appearance was neat, even down to his polished size 14 work boots. Dwight was a big guy.

The Pinters ushered him into the bathroom for his initial inspection and fortunately several flies were attached to the shower stall walls.

“Yeah, those are the drain flies all right,” he said, bending over and exposing the obligatory plumber’s crack. “They can be extremely persistent. How long have they been around?”

“About six months,” Joel replied as a fly flew by his face. “Is this going to be an ongoing problem?”

“Well, we’ve got several approaches, Mr. Pinter,” he said. “There’s  the expensive way –twice a day, you pour a cup of ‘Robo-Goop’, that’s a citronella-based gel that prevents larvae from hatching.  The simple, cheap method that involves pouring vinegar, baking soda and hot water down the drain.  These flies breed in the scum that coats drain pipes.  They breed fast – from egg to larva to adult fly  takes about two days.  You can try either method.”

“I think we’d like to try the gel first,” Joel said.  “We want this problem solved fast.”

“Ok, Mr. Pinter but we’re talking about a big price difference,” Dwight replied. “But please call me in a couple of weeks.

Twenty minutes and $500 later, Dwight left after leaving specific instructions.  The fly potion/slop was to be poured into the shower and sink drains twice daily, and followed four hours later by two cups of boiling water.  It was as if the Pointers were discarding salad dressing without the herbs and spices.  They performed the task religiously.  One, two, six days passed.  Nothing.  The drain flies were still there. 

Because of that X-Files episode, Joel  began having nightmares of flies swarming on to his bed and covering him and Jamie while they slept.  He thought it amazing that something so small and relatively benign could have such a profound psychological impact.  And then he thought about the upcoming renovation.  What happens if these pests persist?

Two weeks passed and the miracle gel reduced the numbers of flies but they were still present.  Joel called Ernie.

“Dwight this wonder product isn’t cutting it,” he said. “These damned bugs are persistent.”

“Well, it looks like we’ll have to go to Plan B,” Dwight said via cell phone. “Two-and-a-half cups of straight bleach and cover the drains for three hours.  Flush with the boiling water. It’s a lot cheaper. Hopefully that’ll do the trick.  Sorry about the Robo-Goop.  I’ll see if we can get you a prorated refund ‘cause the manufacturer guarantees success.  In your case it hasn’t worked.”

Thankfully the flies seemed to have diminished in volume and frequency of appearance.  But they were still there.  Would they ever leave?

The remedy arrived quicker than anticipated. The bathroom renovation project finally began. The contractor’s wrecking crew arrived. The first thing the workers did was remove the plumbing – toilet, sink and shower drains. Sure enough, the shower drain was still filled with sludge .

Each pipe was sawed off and sealed. New connections would be one of the last steps before completion. And the flies disappeared.

As the contractor had predicted, the project wasn’t completed for two months.  The house had been in disarray.  All clothing and furniture removed from the bedroom were finally returned.  The Pinters hired a cleaning company  that removed the dust and debris that had filtered throughout the entire house.  The workers disappeared as suddenly as they had arrived.  Joel and Jamie finally had their house back.  They held their breath.  A day, three days, a week passed.  Glory be, the master bathroom had been exorcised.

“I’ll be damned, Jamie, it worked,” Joel said with jubilance.  “It was worth the wait.”

He was, of course, referring to the absence of Psychodidae.  The siege had ended, the noisome drain flies had been vanquished.  Die, fly. And never return.

Addendum: This is my fiftieth essay. In 2020, the world was flipped upside-down with the Covid – 19 pandemic. Most citizens hunkered down, the workplace became non-existent. People worked from home; businesses and restaurants struggled and unfortunately vanished into the vapors. It was a depressing time for the United States and the Western World. I stopped working, and was forced me into a temporary retirement. If there was a silver lining for me during this time of adversity, it was a return to a vocation that had lain dormant. I returned to writing and this blog is the result. It was a method of channeling my energy, a way of maintaining my perspective – and sanity! Many of the essays are Covid-related. I always try to interject humor into my writing. I hope readers enjoy the essays as much as I did in writing them. Now, it’s on to number 51.

Leo de Natale