Les Dentes de Roi
By
Leo de Natale
As a child, I had a world class Bugs Bunny overbight. Abnormal dentition ran in the family. My mother and sister also had an array of crooked teeth. As a rite of passage, my parents realized the social repercussions of malformed teeth and by Grade 6 I paid my first visit to orthodontist Dr. Kaplan. I joined the ranks of the select group of classmates who, for two to four yeas endured hardware in our mouths and wore the dreaded “night brace” that magically catapulted teeth into the desired position.
Predictably, fellow classmates would rag on us – called us “barbed wire mouths” and made fun of us after lunch because of the food stuck in the metal jungle. Tuna fish sandwiches were especially gross in appearance. Foul breath was rampant. So was the insufferable teasing.
We all went through this orthodontic misadventure that was comparable to college fraternity hazing. Unlike frat house initiation, there was not corporal punishment and the braces period eventually faded into oblivion. Not so for me. During the rest of my life I nearly always observed and made mental notes about people’s teeth. Besides the overbights, crookeds and John Kerry prognathic underbites, I’d note whether or not a person’s teeth were yellow, gray, missing/absent.
Mike Myers is a comedic genius and his spoof film, Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, is a paean to a nation besot of bad teeth. Myers portrays the eponymous character Powers “superspy” and throughout the movie wears a set of large, yellow-stained prosthetic teeth. After being teased by his comely co-star, he admits the obvious.
“Ok, the English have bad teeth!” he yells as the camera focuses on his gaping mouth. “They’re not shagadelic, Baby!”
On the continent, it isn’t much different. The late wall-eyed French existentialist Jean Paul Sartre had egregiously brown stained teeth from a lifetime of pipe smoking. It was not a pretty sight.
Austin Powers is considered a seminal comedic theme. The movie is a spoof of the 1960’s James Bond movies. The sight gags and plot lines satirized the genre to a point where the Bond movie’s producers completely changed the characterization when Daniel Craig was chosen to become the newest reincarnation in 2005. A hairy-chested, toupeed, Sean Connery became a dinosaur.
Segue to 2025. My wife and I became addicted to the British crime television series – Inspector Lewis, Midsomer Murders, Murdoch Mysteries et al. The programs are a British cottage industry and we noticed many of the character actors can be seen playing musical chairs in numerous programs. It’s the British version of central casting. In the English version of cinema verite, episodes would be sprinkled with a cast filled with ugly teeth.
I began to think the producers regarded the tooth problem as a yellow badge of courage. We’re Brits, godammit, and we’ll televise a physical trait that we gladly accept.
American standup comedian Rodney Dangerfield had a famous joke about a man who seeks cheap dental advice:
“Hey, Doc, what should is do about my yellow teeth?” he asks his dentist.
“Wear a brown necktie!” was the response. Badda Bing, Badda Boom!!
My wife and I actually began playing a game. We’d each keep a score tally of how many cast members were unabashedly demonstrating their genetic dental proclivities. Most scores ranged between fifty and seventy five percent. We realized there was a vast cultural divide between Americans and British. We also noticed other countries – Ireland, Holland and Germany- were also infamous for eschewing orthodontists.
The natural course of events led to the inevitable end stage: dentures. The British Isles per capita consume more Poligrip, Fixodent and the famous cleaner Efferdent than any European counterpart.
Which brings us to the title of this essay. King Charles – boy, did he wait a lifetime to be crowned- is frequently in the news. Everyone knows the British Royalty is a vestigial entity and purely ceremonial. The Crown lost its governing powers after the 17th Century. The pomp and traditions still remain, however, and the Royal Family has become a perpetual carnival with costumes, horse-drawn carriages and all the trappings of a society that lies in fairy tales and history books.
The English still cling to the history and the what used-to-be British Empire. Now the Royal Family are merely a tourist attraction that’s perpetuated by vicarious lifestyles that remain laced with palace intrigue.
King Charles III is often photographed and, as the fictional Austin Powers, he does have bad teeth. His lower incisors are an assembly of frozen corn niblets- yellowed crooked and with a mind of their own. I stared at the photo and thought here is one of the wealthiest men in the world and Good Queen Bess didn’t care enough for her oldest son to slap him into a set of braces? To this day he remains the poster boy for a quintessential Brit: not particularly good looking and accursed with ugly teeth.
Not to be undone, Britain’s island neighbor Ireland has teeth problems of its own. It’s not unusual to meet a strapping young Irishman whose handsomeness ends when he opens his mouth. Yep, there they are in full display: a set of teeth that are gnarled and blackened with rot. I once knew an English fellow who was having trouble with his teeth. He’d been suffering from abscesses.
“I’m sick of these goddamn dentist’s bills,” he said . “Yeah I made an appointment with the dentist and am having all of them yanked out. I won’t have to worry about taking care of my fuckin’ teeth, guv!”
The Brit didn’t realize that over time a person’s gums shrink and the choppers have to be replaced periodically. Otherwise his speech will be accompanied by the trademark denture whistle resembling a windstorm occurring as the prosthetic loosens. And over time the dentures turn yellow, despite using industrial strength Efferdent.
According to history books, George Washington lost his teeth while growing older. Dentures in the 18th Century were primitive and made of wood – try putting those suckers in! His subordinates reportedly referred to him as General Splinter Mouth. Unsurpisingly, no portraits of Washington exist with him smiling or laughing. Just look at the $1 bill. George doesn’t resemble a happy camper.
Perhaps the worst of it the dreaded denture breath, a rank odor that often compared to a Monday morning fish market. As a young man famous actor Clark Gable lost his teeth due to poor dentition and prematurely needed dentures. His breath was purportedly so foul that leading lady actresses gagged while kissing Gable. They should have requested hazardous duty pay. Viven Leigh, his costar in Gone With The Wind, claimed her head snapped back during many of the movie’s romantic scenes. She had neck problems for the remainder of her career.
In America we are the antithesis. Cosmetic dentistry is a multimillion dollar industry. It’s the Hollywood effect where movie stars historically needed/wanted pearly whites. There’s an ever increasing influx of teeth whitening strips and tooth pastes that advertise whiter teeth. A trip to the CVS tooth paste aisle is akin to the grocery store’s canned tomato section. There are so many options one’s head spins: whole tomatoes, whole skinned tomatoes, tomato paste, chopped tomatoes, crushed tomatoes, stewed tomatoes, plum tomatoes diced tomatoes etc.
At CVS there’s a wall of tooth pastes. It is a myriad of products that contain sodium bicarbonate whiteners and have proprietary names: “Sparkling White”, “Optic White”,” Baking Soda and Whitening”, “Baking Soda and Peroxide”, etc.
All these products promise whiter teeth but skeptics abide. Americans wanting refrigerator white teeth borrow thousands of dollars required to obtain veneers or the more radical implant surgery. We are, as Bruce Springsteen sings, blinded by the light. Just ask most politicians, actors or television personalities.
King Charles III, however, will carry on, fight the good fight, and not give a damn about his mouthful of chick peas.
leodenatale.com 